This World I Inhabit

I had my first fight sorta thing with my girlfriend. I told her from day 1 that the only thing I ask from her is honesty and trust, and that those are the foundations of a good relationship. It isnt a hard thing to do. I was told she had done something and when I asked her about it, she said no. I trusted her. I left it, it grew on my mind, festering away. Someone was lying to me, how can I let it go? I felt like a paranoid mess for not believing her. I asked her about 4-5 times at different times, giving her ample opportunity to just tell me the truth and I wouldnt get mad. She maintained she hadnt done it. Looking in my eyes, full of conviction. I finally bring the other person into the same room and find out the truth., She had done it. She had lied to me. She had broken everything. How did I know anything was true? Did she even feel for me at all? Has this been a joke? I just wouldnt know, because if she can lie about that then she can lie about anything, and clearly has no problem just lying to me and not respecting my strong feelings about honesty. I was devastated and it was the worst I’ve felt in ages.

Needless to say, we talked about it and I ended up forgiving her like the moron I am. That’s it though. I’ve given her the ultimatum of telling me things before I find them out - and I will find them out - or we just cant be together. I can forgive stupidity and past actions; I cannot again forgive a liar.

We’re well on the road to repair now. I’m still totally in love with her and it would have broken my heart to have to not see her again. I am that sort of person though, as much as I love her I would have to stop seeing her for my own good. I will have my heart taken out if it’s got a tumour on it. If I could wish one thing it would be that I never have to feel that way again and there’s no more secrets and lies because it destroys me. In every other way she’s the sweetest little thing I’ve ever met and I just want to take care of her and love her forever. I would never want to hurt her. I hope she feels the same now and would have the courage to tell me before it turns into another end of the world situation.

On a more positive note, she sang to me yesterday and it was so beautiful. She is beautiful. I miss her.

Feel like writing for some reason. I dont keep up to date on here anymore, or anywhere really, as I’ve started a full-time job as a labourer and spend as much of my free time as possible with my girlfriend, Jessica.

It’s strange going from having all the alone time in the world to just an hour here or there. Strange, but definitely good. I could sit alone for days amusing myself with TV shows or games or just chatting on facebook. I would think and think and worry and depress myself and never do anything productive and feel fat and lazy and always slightly ashamed that I wasnt working. Now I work fairly hard for a fairly low wage and I feel proud of myself. It gives me a great sense of pride to know I’m sacrificing my time for a good cause. I help myself by earning money and being active, and I help the boss and clients out by doing a good job.

Jessica is my life. I love her so much. When we’re apart, thinking of her evokes a potent mix of joy and sadness because she’s not here. When we’re together it’s the same because she’ll have to leave at some point. We both feel genuinely happy in each other’s company; not the happiness I had by myself which I had to work for and that was a steady and measurable amount, but a kind that comes uninvited and in a tidal wave of butterflies. Love is great. I feel so lucky I’ve found her to share it with, we’re similar in all the right ways.

I know it’s only officially been a month and a bit, nearly 2, but I’ve felt this way for nearly 2 years and it hasn’t faded. Every day we become closer. Call us crazy but she’s moving into mine in a week or so. It might seem fast to a lot of people but it just feels completely right. Sleeping without her there is hard and waking up without her is heart breaking. Coming home to her is the highlight of every day. If the very worst was to happen she can always move back into her parents or in with her brother but I cant see that happening at all, I feel set with this girl and I’d never do anything to damage our relationship. I want to make it progressively stronger.

I dont want to bore you - it’s just a massive part of my life. She motivates me to want to do everything that I never wanted to do for myself. I want to support her, I want to treat her, I want to sacrifice and do everything I can to please her. I want to give her the world, which I never wanted for myself. It gives me fierce energy and courage.

Enough! I dont know what else to say really, that’s all that plays on my mind. Ahh, here’s something, some guilt. I feel like an awful friend. For the longest time I would rely on my friends for motivation and inspiration and fun, and now I feel like I’m not making an effort to see them or even communicate with them a lot. It’s a cliché I didnt see myself falling into but when you want to spend every waking moment with someone who makes your heart fly it becomes very difficult to fit in even a few hours for anyone else. As I get used to working and the time it leaves me, I will improve on this and promise to see my friends and not become an abandoner, whilst simultaneously not neglecting my love.

I suppose that’s it for now. A message for the week: think in a positive way. I havent forgotten that I had to work for my happiness before, and I bring it into everything still. It’s powerful. If you find yourself worrying or sad or depressed about something, just stop a second. Put it on pause, step back and ask 3 questions: “is this helping me? am I bringing negativity into my life? am I wasting precious moments of my life by feeling bad about something out of my control?” and I bet your answer will be “yes” to them. Instead, assure yourself that you are going to go through something and that you’re going to come out the other side just fine, even better for the experience it gives you. Try and take a positive from everything - even if it’s completely outweighed right now it will help in the long-term. Life is a long-term game of building and working and nurturing.

“What would you like to do with your life?”

The very basic fact is, I’m a simple man. I’m careful and calculative, I’m wary and wondersome. I find a lot of stress attached to adventure. Call me a bore but the thought of a secure place where I can rely on everything is the most perfect thing for me. Dont get me wrong, adventure is a great thing while I’m doing it, but I will worry myself stupid and cause myself a lot of stress beforehand and most probably a bit during. Starting a new job, for example, I’m up all night having little panic attacks and wondering what will happen and how will I get there and will they like me and will I be good and what if I hate it and an infinite amount of other things. Travelling: I’ll be worrying about what will people be like, how will we get anywhere, what if we get lost, what if we lose everything, creatures, terrorists, criminals…

So what would I like to do with my life? The answer is, of course, I would like to experience everything I can. Because although I may worry myself silly and want to stay in my room where it’s safe and warm and nothing can go wrong, it would be a terrible waste of this great opportunity I’ve been given to roam the world and take in all it has to offer; highs, lows, beauty, culture, seas, forests… To the person who this matters most to: Every time we’ve gone on any sort of adventure, it’s ended up being a memorable and amazing time. So let’s have more. I’m scared to be by myself, I’m a partner person. I grew up with just me and my brother against the world, we could do anything as a team. On my own, no way! So come with me. Let’s do it.

I havent said anything for a while so I’m gonna say things now. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I have the girl I’ve wanted for so long and it’s even better than I imagined. I love her. We had a week’s holiday in La Palma quite recently and we were both secretly worried that we’d end up hating each other by the end of it but instead we came back closer than ever and now it sucks to go a day without seeing her. Even an hour, as ridiculous as it sounds!

It’s my 22nd birthday in 2 day’s time (technically 1 day as it’s after midnight but whatever). I’m not really excited by birthdays anymore, I know I dont deserve anything good and there’s not really anything I want, and it’s certainly not enjoyable to celebrate being 22 and having accomplished absolutely nothing so far in my life. I’m literally in the same place as some 15 year olds, which is shameful really.

I keep getting swings of depression here and there, they’re manageable but equally I wish they’d go away. It’s not practical, especially when I’m with Jess and then all of a sudden I’m not fun and I’m moody and irritable. I really hate it. I get over it in like 20 minutes, I just dont know what it is and why it happens. I also have some issues to work out with how to be happy for her when she’s having fun without me rather than jealous or anything else. It’s weird getting so close with someone. I’m learning though, I’m definitely learning. Letting go of paranoia and anxiety is real tough for someone who’s primarily an anxious and paranoid person but I’m doing my best and I’m doing a lot better than I was before. Another toughy is trying not to feel inadequate. I’m scared of 100 different things being wrong and me not being good enough and it puts pressure on the relationship, so I need to stop that too. I do feel like I am allowed to be terrified as I cant have control over someone elses free-will, but I have to learn to trust and hope nothing goes wrong.

Whole lot of negatives there but they’re out, they’re down on paper and I feel better for getting out what makes me feel bad and rationalising it to myself. There are about a thousand times more good things but I dont want to be a sap and list off everything I love and all the amazing things about my sweetheart, because if you’re one of the people who reads this (and I dont imagine there’s many) then you will be sick immediately at how in love I am.

I’ve spent a long time trying to make myself be normal and fine and happy with this wild idea that “I’m a man, and a man has no problems. He’s strong and gets on with it and he does what he’s got to do”. But even Tony Soprano had panic attacks and needed therapy. He was just like me:

“Nowadays everybody’s got to go to shrinks and counselors, and go on Sally Jesse Raphael and talk about their problems. Whatever happened to Gary Cooper, the strong, silent type? That was an American. He wasn’t in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do.”

I do try and be as manly and trouble-free and “strong, silent type”-y as I can, but I do have some problems, and this actually makes me feel a lot better about it. So it might not be masculine to keep an online journal of my feelings but I’m okay with that. Just dont show my Dad.